Last Thursday, I had been alerted to the likeliness that I, quite possibly, have an attitude problem.
What? A black women with an attitude? How original.
Well, the person telling me this was another black woman. And adding insult to injury, the black woman was actually my boss, who decided to drop this bit of "constructive criticism" on me after a meeting. Then she offered to help me solve this "problem." Eye roll. I'm not the one with the problem.
I didn't appreciate that at all for two reasons: First, how she came to this conclusion and secondly, where she got the information from. I'm not going to go into too much detail because saying too much might get me trouble. And times are too tough to be fired over bullshit. But I will say that I work my ass off at my job. Not only do I put in long and very strange hours but also a lot of mental and spiritual energy I exert to find new ways to get people to work together for the good of their community - even when it feels that they fight me along with way. If anyone has ever dealt with the public, such as I have to daily, you understand that it takes a lot to keep from going off on someone. And despite her estimation of my supposed inability to control my temper, I think I do a pretty good job of managing what can often be a stressful situation.
Anyway, I was pretty bummed about that discussion and I had contemplated going into work the next day and showing them what a bad attitude is really about. But what would that accomplish other than playing right into misconceptions about who I am. I also thought about quitting but again, it would be like conceding to her belief that I can't control my emotions. But by late Saturday evening I began to cool off a bit, especially after I burnt off the negative energy doing housework. And I after some reflection, I began to appreciate her words and thoughts of me. Not because I thought that she was right but rather how the conversation just reaffirmed and put to rest anxieties and insecurities I had about myself for years.
She is not the first person to suggest ways in which I could alter myself in some shape, form or fashion to meet their liking. There have been times when folks have labeled me too fat, to which I went to great trouble to lose a bunch of weight including starving myself. I was thin but I had dark circles around my eyes and my hair was also falling out in clumps. Then there was the time when I was told that I acted too smart, so I spent a year playing stupid and clueless - often to my own detriment. Some of the other labels I have endured over the years includes: too ghetto, too bougie, too quiet, too loud, too, too, too....At each point, these labels threaten to tear and ripe at the fiber of my being. And at each time, the consequences of those forced alterations did a number on my mental health and well-being. And that is just something that I can no longer risk.
I'm not against reexamining yourself and fine-tuning things in your life which you feel are wrong. But what I am oppose to is changing and rearranging yourself to fit the needs, purpose and/or agenda of people, who really don't give a rat-ass about the real you. I spent all weekend listening to my own self talk and my self told me that there is nothing wrong with me. My self told me to take ownership every part of myself including my flaws and my imperfections. Those flaws, imperfections and mistakes are a part of the reason why you had been able to bounce back and stand tall in the face of adversity. And you know what? I decided to heed the words of myself over everyone else opinion. And I for the first time in a while I felt both empowered and comfortable in my own skin.
So today, I came back to work and picked up right where I left off. No changes, no alterations, just content on doing what I've known has worked for me in the past and will continue to work for me in the future. In the words of Marilyn Monroe (or at least that is how it has been attributed online): "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Yeah I may have an attitude sometimes but I also have a huge heart. And those two combine are my Yin and Yang, which gets me out the bed every morning and keeps me working late for the good of the organization and the community.
Don't get me wrong, I like my job and I like the people I work with. But I like myself more. And if I have to choose between the two: I choose me.
What? A black women with an attitude? How original.
Well, the person telling me this was another black woman. And adding insult to injury, the black woman was actually my boss, who decided to drop this bit of "constructive criticism" on me after a meeting. Then she offered to help me solve this "problem." Eye roll. I'm not the one with the problem.
I didn't appreciate that at all for two reasons: First, how she came to this conclusion and secondly, where she got the information from. I'm not going to go into too much detail because saying too much might get me trouble. And times are too tough to be fired over bullshit. But I will say that I work my ass off at my job. Not only do I put in long and very strange hours but also a lot of mental and spiritual energy I exert to find new ways to get people to work together for the good of their community - even when it feels that they fight me along with way. If anyone has ever dealt with the public, such as I have to daily, you understand that it takes a lot to keep from going off on someone. And despite her estimation of my supposed inability to control my temper, I think I do a pretty good job of managing what can often be a stressful situation.
Anyway, I was pretty bummed about that discussion and I had contemplated going into work the next day and showing them what a bad attitude is really about. But what would that accomplish other than playing right into misconceptions about who I am. I also thought about quitting but again, it would be like conceding to her belief that I can't control my emotions. But by late Saturday evening I began to cool off a bit, especially after I burnt off the negative energy doing housework. And I after some reflection, I began to appreciate her words and thoughts of me. Not because I thought that she was right but rather how the conversation just reaffirmed and put to rest anxieties and insecurities I had about myself for years.
She is not the first person to suggest ways in which I could alter myself in some shape, form or fashion to meet their liking. There have been times when folks have labeled me too fat, to which I went to great trouble to lose a bunch of weight including starving myself. I was thin but I had dark circles around my eyes and my hair was also falling out in clumps. Then there was the time when I was told that I acted too smart, so I spent a year playing stupid and clueless - often to my own detriment. Some of the other labels I have endured over the years includes: too ghetto, too bougie, too quiet, too loud, too, too, too....At each point, these labels threaten to tear and ripe at the fiber of my being. And at each time, the consequences of those forced alterations did a number on my mental health and well-being. And that is just something that I can no longer risk.
I'm not against reexamining yourself and fine-tuning things in your life which you feel are wrong. But what I am oppose to is changing and rearranging yourself to fit the needs, purpose and/or agenda of people, who really don't give a rat-ass about the real you. I spent all weekend listening to my own self talk and my self told me that there is nothing wrong with me. My self told me to take ownership every part of myself including my flaws and my imperfections. Those flaws, imperfections and mistakes are a part of the reason why you had been able to bounce back and stand tall in the face of adversity. And you know what? I decided to heed the words of myself over everyone else opinion. And I for the first time in a while I felt both empowered and comfortable in my own skin.
So today, I came back to work and picked up right where I left off. No changes, no alterations, just content on doing what I've known has worked for me in the past and will continue to work for me in the future. In the words of Marilyn Monroe (or at least that is how it has been attributed online): "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Yeah I may have an attitude sometimes but I also have a huge heart. And those two combine are my Yin and Yang, which gets me out the bed every morning and keeps me working late for the good of the organization and the community.
Don't get me wrong, I like my job and I like the people I work with. But I like myself more. And if I have to choose between the two: I choose me.
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